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I’ve never really done a post like this before but for some reason, on this last day of August 2017, I felt compelled to wrap up this month in a blog post.
August is usually a great month; the height of summer, days seem automatically more chilled out, hazy summer evenings spent sitting outside and drinking rosé are what I look forward to the most about this month, but this year, it’s been a funny one for me. In a lot of ways it’s been incredibly successful; consistent freelance work, financial stability becoming more and more achievable each day, booking flights to go and visit my best friend in Dubai, invites to some great events and a working schedule that has afforded me to be flexible yet remain busy (which after working the full time Mon-Fri slog since leaving uni, is definitely welcomed).
But for some reason something just hasn’t felt quite right, especially the last couple of weeks. I’ve been in a bit of a funk, almost feeling like I’m not really present, my head has constantly been somewhere else, looking to the future but rather than with feelings of hope, it’s more distracted and irritable, unable to live in the now and appreciate life as it is.
I think when you’ve spent a lifetime worrying, specifically financially, to start to get to a place where this isn’t such a huge emphasis, as odd as it sounds, it can be somewhat disconcerting. What if it doesn’t last? What is life without struggle? How oddly unsettling it is to be content? For someone who just wants for a pretty modest life experience with all that I have being all that I need, whilst trying not to place too much emphasis on what may or may not happen, this content state in which I find myself lately has actually enabled some of the worst anxiety I’ve felt for a long time. It’s like when you hear about people winning the lottery and then pissing it away on alcohol and gambling only to find themselves back on the dole without a penny to their name. There’s an odd comfort and safety in that familiarity, living the life you always have, even if on the outside it doesn’t appear to be ideal, you live for so long in survival mode that to get to a place where you can start to actually live instead of just merely survive doesn’t quite come as natural as it should. That at any moment the carpet could be pulled from under you and there you are, back to square one, working around the clock and still not quite staying afloat.
Every day I’m trying to overcome this feeling and really it’s about resetting my default, even sitting writing this post I feel pent up with anxiety, but for what reason? Who knows, life for once appears to be in order so why can’t I just enjoy it? Maybe it’s Mercury which I hear is set to go direct on Monday, so with that being said and August drawing to a close, I’m saying goodbye to those feelings of doubt, self deprecation and inadequacy and saying hello to a new month of possibility. September is always a good month to reset, our routine starts to get back to normal after the summer hiatus and it’s a time I feel like things go from feel stale and stagnant to a new burst of energy.
How have you found August this year and are you looking forward to September? Also what are some of your suggestions for dealing with feelings of anxiety? I’m off to do some Yoga with Adrienne but I’d love to know your suggestions.
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